It's only now, when I'm about to give up everything, that I actually realise how out of control I really am. I don't know when I first started fucking myself up. But I do know that it's ruined my life and it's ruined me.
I can't cope with anything anymore. With the feelings that threaten to overwhealm me. With the darkness and depression that drowns me. I don't know what I'm going to do... But I do know that there is one thing I CAN do. I can starve.
I'm filled with a hatred so strong, I'm frightened it might destroy me. My mother. My father. Sisters and brother. You watch me suffer and push the pain deeper. You don't know me. You don't care for me. You don't want me. Friends? What friends. You used me and betrayed me. Put me down and kept me there. I was nothing to you. Just a toy to play with. I hate you too. I don't need any of you.
Ana.
Ana. Ana. Ana. Oh Ana. You're my saviour. My angel of anger. You're there at breakdown. And you make me beautiful. Thin. Perfect, pretty. You get me into black tights and a ripped denim mini skirt. You make sure I do what's right and don't stray from the path of righteousness.
You give me the power to show them - the friends and family - how much they've hurt me. And how much I'm hurting myself as a result of it.
Stay with me. And make me yours.
